Craig's Monologue And Desk Chat From The Grammy Show That Wasn't

Hello! Thank you! Welcome! Welcome to your Late Late Show. My name is Craig Kilborn.

It’s Grammy Weekend and that’s what this is all about.

This morning, Ashanti rang the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange. Just a friendly reminder that whoever is investing right now is “Foolish!”

New York is still digging out from under the couple of feet of snow they got last weekend and may get a bit more in the next few days, proving that a blanket isn’t always a blessing!

Avril Lavigne is one of the performers at the big show! And of course, she has to keep it punk. She already plans to skateboard over Joan Rivers.

We tease Avril, but we love her! We’re all rooting for her to get the Best New Artist award!

*thumbs up*

Some of the Best New Artist winners from the past...

Christopher Cross! Debby Boone! Starland Vocal Band! Swingle Singers! Carpenters! Shelby Lynne! Paula Cole! I don’t wanna wait! Heh!

That’s a grate group to be in.

Some more of the Best New Artist winners... Men At Work! Remember them? How about Bruce Hornsby and the Range? They won!

One more... Milli Vanilli! My favorite!

Let’s check the news!

In The News is brought to you by "Milli Vanilli Ice." The only Ice That’s Never Cool.

Our top story...

In Reality Bites news, Joe Millionaire star Evan Marriott selected his girl, Zora, as half of the North American continent looked on.

Paul the butler then presnted the happy couple with a Million dollar check, making them instant millionaires!

Well, actually, it’s half millionaires, since they’d split the money. And really quarter millionaires, after they pay taxes on it.

And, after the lawyer’s collect their fees, Evan and Zora will need temp jobs. We wish them a happy honeymoon at the construction site.

In Reality Really Bites news, ABC launched their new series, “I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!” The only thing missing were actual celebrities!

After he stole some food rations and draped himself all over Nikki Ziering, we finally saw "Robin Leach" live up to his name!

Cris Judd, who was a great sport about it, said it was do this or be on P. Diddy’s reality show for MTV. He knew his chances of survival were better in the Australian outback.

This just in, if you’re up for pedophile charges, you might want to rethink titling your next album “Chocolate Factory.” This just in.

And finally, “Old School” opens today... So please leave right now and go see it!

There’s your news!